when bullying comes to church
What does bullying have to do with church? Do the same things that happen on the school yard happen in our sanctuaries?
Here's what Matt Rosine, congregational consultant and student of Jesus, has to say:
Over the last few years, many church leaders from various traditions have responded to the rise of bullying among young adults in the United States. I'm glad for that. In the face of such cruelty, the church provides refuge and a glimpse of God's love and acceptance for all.
I do, however, think there are other, more subtle form of bullying that often go overlooked by church leaders. It's the bullying that I see church members practicing toward one another.
It doesn't happen in every church (thanks be to God!) but I see it a lot: one person or small group attempting to exercise power over others by saying things like: "Well, if we do that, we’re taking our checkbooks and leaving."
By using threats, these people are attempting to wield power in the most unhealthy of ways. And, most of the time, they will be successful in their threats because church people fear conflict and division and pastors don't want to be viewed as the reason people leave church. And so, the threat succeeds and the disgruntled people get their way.
The church and its future are now held hostage by not only these folks, but also by anyone else who comes along using the same tactic. This can go on for decades, keeping the church in a fearful holding pattern where it sacrifices risk for the sake of keeping a false sense of peace.
What's more, in the heat of the moment, most people are afraid to speak up. We don't want anyone to get hurt or leave especially if the person is a "pillar of the church." Well-meaning church folks fall silent because they fear it would damage the church for such a division to take place.
And yet, when we step back and look at the situation, we can see it for what it is: childish schoolyard behavior. Immaturity. One person attempting to get his or her way by pushing others around. Bullying.
Tell us, have you seen this behavior in your church? What has been your response?
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A big SALT thank you to Matt Rosine - minister, congregational consultant for Church Extension, and student of Jesus - for this important and provocative post. You can read more of Matt's writing over at Mosaic.
Also, a big thank you to The Bully Project for their important and hard work. This brave, must-see film is coming to DVD in 2013. Why not plan a viewing party at your church?!
Saturday, October 6, 2012 at 04:00PM
Reader Comments (3)
I had a congregation of about 150 folks on any given Sunday and had been pastoring the church for over five years when an anonymous group of 12 people raised some "concerns" about my leadership. They had been secretly organizing and meeting for months about these concerns but somehow failed to speak directly to me about any of them.
Things took a turn for the worse when I talked about triangulation, about what constitutes healthy communication, about how anonymous feedback and "some people are saying" has absolutely no place in church life...
The long and the short of it is this: some people live such turbulent and dysfunctional lives that that's all they know; that's the only way they know how to be themselves; ironically, that's where they excel and feel "safe," so much so that they need to create those kind of environments where ever they go.
To answer your question: yes, bullying happens in church and that's why I'm not pastoring anymore.
I have become very sensitized to the use of the words "bully" and "bullying." I think that using them actually contributes to and is a form of the things the words are meant to describe - using power and influence to separate someone or a group of people. I appreciate the descriptions of the unhealthy behaviors of threatening to leave, systems that operate out of fear, etc, and I think nothing would be lost if we just left out the words "bully" and "bullying." I think these are slurs, similar to "slut" or "pig" or other such name-calling statements. It makes it alright to convict the "bully," to judge him or her as bad, as other, as the problem. And of course systems problems are always bigger than one person or even one group of people.
Oh, and if anyone is interested in exploring some great work on Victim-proofing systems (instead of "Bully-prevention) see the work of Izzy Kalman, Bullies to Buddies. He's got some great stuff on-line and does some fabulous workshops around the country.